I am no stranger to blogging but I’ve now decided to start fresh – anonymously and fresh.
Credit: The Shadow and The Star by Kathrin Honesta
What else do you do when you wake up in the morning and feel the mounting desolation settle once more upon your shoulder? What else do you do when you’re not sure you feel anything other than nothing anymore? What else do you do if you’re not sure you’re ready to speak out loud about how you’re feeling? I am not sure… I am not sure.
Today has been hard. Not for any particular reason other than everything just feels so… much. TOO much. Does that even make sense? One minute I’m sitting there, feeling as I normal feel, and the next minute I feel like I’m drowning in hopelessness. Helplessness.
I often think about my situation. About how I don’t actually have a reason to be unhappy with my life or the situation I’m in. I have a job. I have a roof over my head. I have a family who despite the downs and flaws, love me as I am. I have friends, although they’re all far away from me. I know how lucky and privileged I am to have the experiences and opportunities that I do. But I know that it doesn’t matter how much I have, how lucky I am or how much I appreciate all of the things and people in my life; there’s just something in me that’s sad and has been sad for a really long time. Isn’t that sad? Please don’t believe me ungrateful.
So I decided to give writing another go. To see if maybe having an anonymous outlet to purge my emotions, expel my thoughts and have a place to leave my extracted memories, might help me find a way out of this terrible darkness that I have progressively sunk deeper into over the last eight months. Will it make a difference? I hope so. Hopefully this time the writing sticks.
There’s a part of me that still clings to optimism and that sliver of hope. Truly, I cling to it. I cling to this feeling that allows me to believe that I will find a way to be okay. To find a way to be happy again or at least to not feel the way I have been for so long.
I will be okay. I hope so.