Heavy

Heavy heavy weight sits on my shoulders. It lays slumped against my chest.

Breathing is hard but ridding myself of this sickening sensation is even harder. I feel like I am drowning in a mass of my own making and I don’t know how to stop it from growing.

Should I laugh or do I cry?

Source: Łukasz Siwek

Finding something to hold on to these days has been a big struggle. I try to find the easter eggs of happiness that used to lay hiding in plain sight – in simple things like my favorite movies, music, radio programs; but they are elusive to me now. It’s like playing my hidden treasures game (that I’m low-key addicted to) in real life. But no matter how many lives I have, how many hints I get, how many recharges to my lives I use up – days that feel completely wasted – I can’t seem to find what I need. It’s hard when I’m not sure what exactly it is I do need.

I haven’t been doing well with writing either, as my very many posts clearly indicate. Although it usually does help to let it out, the restlessness that claws deep in my gut always seems to distract me from sitting down for more than 5 minutes. It’s almost impossible to let this word vomit come spilling out on ‘paper’.

I feel like I just want to crawl into a ball or run and hide somewhere for days, weeks, months.

I’m so tired 😦

x Nadya

Mood song:

Restless.

I am feeling so restless.

And I don’t know what to do about it.

It’s like an itch I cannot scratch.

It’s like a pet that is appeased by attention and leaves me alone for five minutes until it comes back – quickly and hungry for more.

It fills me with a sickness that crawls its way up my throat, leaving behind a tingling numbing sensation that makes it hard to catch my breath.

It sends my heart into a pounding gallop one minute and slows it down to the point of complete lethargy the next.

It makes me unable to focus on the words in front of my face – not when it feels like I’m looking at a hundred different things at once.

It eats me up inside and aches to be released; but how?

Restless.

I don’t know how to deal with feeling so restless.

x Nadya

Mood Song:

Scar – Missy Higgins

Like Finds Like

 

@langleav

Browsing through Instagram today, I stumbled upon a post of a poem that puts what I’ve been feeling into beautifully expressed words. I love when I find these gems because it makes me feel a little bit less alone. A little bit less foreign; as if I’m not the only one who passes through the day with a melancholy fog wrapped around my shoulders.

When I happened to pick up a poetry book at the store last year, I didn’t expect the words Lang Leav wrote to wrap around my heart and give a tight squeeze of familiarity. One that compelled me to pick up that first book, followed by the next, and the next, and then the one after that. I guess it’s fitting though because a lot of her work is infused in melancholic flavors that very much resonate with my personality.

If you haven’t already, I’d recommend you pick up one of her poetry books and give it a read. Maybe it’s for you or maybe it’s really not, but you never know when you might discover the next big (or little) thing to add to your bookshelf.

---

Today has been okay. It wasn’t as hard to get through as yesterday, when it felt like the hours just wouldn’t flow away. On a scale out of five, with five being the most difficult, today would be a two. It was a good day.

x Nadya

Mood Song:

The Journey Begins

I am no stranger to blogging but I’ve now decided to start fresh – anonymously and fresh.

Credit: The Shadow and The Star by Kathrin Honesta

What else do you do when you wake up in the morning and feel the mounting desolation settle once more upon your shoulder? What else do you do when you’re not sure you feel anything other than nothing anymore? What else do you do if you’re not sure you’re ready to speak out loud about how you’re feeling? I am not sure… I am not sure.

Today has been hard. Not for any particular reason other than everything just feels so… much. TOO much. Does that even make sense? One minute I’m sitting there, feeling as I normal feel, and the next minute I feel like I’m drowning in hopelessness. Helplessness.

I often think about my situation. About how I don’t actually have a reason to be unhappy with my life or the situation I’m in. I have a job. I have a roof over my head. I have a family who despite the downs and flaws, love me as I am. I have friends, although they’re all far away from me. I know how lucky and privileged I am to have the experiences and opportunities that I do. But I know that it doesn’t matter how much I have, how lucky I am or how much I appreciate all of the things and people in my life; there’s just something in me that’s sad and has been sad for a really long time. Isn’t that sad? Please don’t believe me ungrateful.

So I decided to give writing another go. To see if maybe having an anonymous outlet to purge my emotions, expel my thoughts and have a place to leave my extracted memories, might help me find a way out of this terrible darkness that I have progressively sunk deeper into over the last eight months. Will it make a difference? I hope so. Hopefully this time the writing sticks.

There’s a part of me that still clings to optimism and that sliver of hope. Truly, I cling to it. I cling to this feeling that allows me to believe that I will find a way to be okay. To find a way to be happy again or at least to not feel the way I have been for so long.

I will be okay. I hope so.

x Nadya

Mood Song: